Kenny Brooks’s Quotes and One Liners (from Kenny Brooks Saleman Comedian)

Relentless one liners. Here are most of them:

I’m gonna be quick like Nestle and Beat It like Michael Jackson that’s why your neighbours say I remind them of Nicholas Cage cos I’m gone in 60 seconds.

Who does this the most on a dirty window? The kids, the dogs that are ugly black guys who eat fried chicken.

You see these water spots? Look! They get whiter than my elbows without lotion.

Stevie Wonder said Seeing is Believing and I got a disease called Enthusiasm so I’m gonna cut straight to the mustard.

Don’t laugh too hard cos the neighbours are gonna see this black kid rubbing the window.

No waterspots, no fingerprints, no streaks – that’s why we can’t sell it to criminals. Don’t tell OJ or Tiger Woods ok?

My Mum said if it’s darker than me and don’t pay the bills it shouldn’t be there right?

This right here, We just upgrade it like Beyonce.

You know what HBO means? You get to Help a Brother Out.

I’ve been on a roll like toilet paper.

*Scrubbing the floor* you just go back and forth like an argument. Now I ain’t Jesus, but look how I did that like Moses split the Red Sea. Paint me green and call me a pickle.

That one bottle lasts longer than my last relationship.

This is my last demo, then I’m outta your hair quicker than your favourite shampoo.

Even though I’m black it ain’t black magic it just work.

Would you throw it out, shout it out, get OJ to stab it out, Mike Tyson to bite it out…(cut off by lady)

You know you can’t put bleach on colours right? Look at this *sprays bottle on face* this safe on colours.

Would you say that’s whiter than a colgate smile.

What’s the hardest thing to clean? Would it be the carpet, the tile, the barbeque grill, the shower doors, the oil that’s on the driveway that’s blacker than my mother but not as beautiful?

“What are you selling?” Personality.

*taps unopened bottle* Unlike Madonna it’s never been touched.

But whatchall do for a living? You must be in sales too, huh? I know, cos your house is bigger than my whole neighbourhood.

My mum said if you can’t get the whole chicken at least get the wing right?

But you should just save my autograph because by the time you run out you’ll probably see me on Last Comic Standing and then you gotta Ebay it to get your money back.

You sharper than Gillette.

You must be a teacher. Cos you got a lotta class.

(Referring to door handle) you see this look shiny like a baby hiney.

Remember when I told you it couldn’t fade colour? That’s why we couldn’t sell it to Michael Jackson.

Are you from around here? I’m from my mother but don’t tell my daddy he’s a

Y’all cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Dang if I had your hands, I’d cut mine off. Cos your neighbours have been working me like I’m black and paying me like a mexican.

Just trial one cos I know that ain’t gotta take the cheese outta your macaroni.

You can do cash, cheques or chicken wings.

30 Days of Song: Things I Learned From Writing a Song a Day for a Month

Hi there. I recently did a 30 day trial where I wrote at least one song a day. It was inspired by Jonathan Mann, who I discovered from an email a friend sent me. Out of the 30 days, I think I slipped up once where I wrote half a song instead of a whole one. It started out as a 7 day trial, but I decided to carry on for another week. Then after that week I decided to go for the 30. Here are some observations and things I learned from doing the trial:

• The first week was the easiest. I’d planned to write Monkey Majik-esque songs for a while, so this week was mainly made up of them. I wrote about 9 songs that week. Second week went downhill because I hadn’t planned for when I ran out of ideas, so I just mainly defaulted to slower, sadder songs. Third week I planned to write Country-style songs but that didn’t go too successfully either simply because I don’t know Country music that well. Fourth week I decided to go vague – upbeat, lively, possibly angry.

• The last song turned out to be about Doctor Who. I am surprised as you are.

• Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Some days were tough, and it would’ve helped if I’d planned what kind of direction to take. My default mode of songwriting is to strum some chords, hum a melody, find some words that fit over the melody, write lyrics and go from there. When that didn’t work, I tended to be stuck for a long time.

• Related to the above point, I found myself being quite formulaic, particularly when I was tired because a song needed to be done, and the easiest way to write one was to do what I’ve always done. As a result, all songs fell into verse-prechorus-chorus structure, used similar chord progressions and most phrases were four bars long. So the trial improved my skills of production rather than improving my songwriting (any improvements were a result of chance rather than conscious effort).

• Songs that were floating around in my consciousness occasionally came out as songs. So there’s a fake Foo Fighters song, two fake Ryan Adams songs, and goodness knows what else. These tended to be the easier ones.

• Steve Pavlina did his own 30 day trial learning music, and his blog posts and tweets boosted me during the trial. He even inspired to make my first looped based piece I’ve written. You can listen to it here.

 

I didn’t feel an immense sense of achievement when I finished the trial. I felt normal and that I could write another song the next day (which I did). However, this trial revealed my limitations so I’ve been thinking about them since (how do I change key convincingly? How do I write a song not in the verse-chorus structure? How do I write non-four bar phrases?), which is very valuable if I want to write decent songs.

As for the songs, I haven’t decided whether to publish all of them (upload to Youtube, Bandcamp, Soundcloud) or just the ones I like. The thing with doing all of them is that I have to practise all 30-odd songs to a passable standard, rather than doing fewer songs to a better standard (Jonathan Mann writes AND uploads a song a day, very impressive). Now that I’ve stopped writing a song a day, there’s this hole in my life and I feel I need to fill it up with something productive. Probably practise and upload more songs, be it original or cover.

“take my hand” – Blaise Plant Lyrics

Here are the lyrics for Blaise Plant’s charity single, “take my hand.” I transcribed it from both the live version and recorded version so the Japanese parts (in romanji only by the way) aren’t 100% accurate. I’ll also list some variants of the lyrics.

open your heart with a little smile
free out your mind don’t block it out
here is the moment you’ve been dreaming
and others would scorn you for your charm
top of the world without a doubt
painting a picture of your life

coz tonight’s the night
the time to shine
to lift you up
and free your mind
not long ago
you had the glow^[1]
not long ago
you felt alive

take my hand, time for walking out the door
take me back, to the place I was before
take my hand you will find where you belong
no matter where you are, you’ve got life

osorettemo kowarettemo
kioku wa iruwasenai
naku kimi no soba iita
mae mu kide iru dakeja
damekamoshi re naikedo
egao oshinjitte

coz tonight’s the night
the time to shine
hikari gamaba yuku
not long ago
you had the glow
imakamunjiru^[2]
your life

take my hand, time for walking out the door
take me back, to the place I was before
take my hand you will find where you belong
hitori janai, you’ve got life

Variants:

[1]In the live version, Blaise sings, “not long ago, we felt the glow, not long ago, we felt alive.”

[2]In the live version, Blaise sings, “not long ago, you felt alive,” instead of “imakamunjiru, your life.”

Birthdays: Just Another Day?

A friend said to me once that birthdays were just another day. And I agree.

Well, almost.

When birthdays come for me, I often wonder what all the fuss is about. Other people want to celebrate it more than I do:

“What are you doing for your birthday man? We should go celebrate! Waaaaay!”

“Are you celebrating your birthday this year? What are you planning to do?”

“Got any plans Sai?”

Everytime I do celebrate, it’s always at least mildly interesting. But everytime I do nothing, something always gnaws at the back of my mind, no matter how much I decide that it’s going to be a normal day:

“Yay. I’m 24. Ok, birthday celebrations are over; time to watch some porn.

“Hmm…should I do something tonight? I mean, there still is time…naaah, can’t be bothered.

“There still is time, you know. Maybe a quick birthday drink? No, wait, it’s going to just be another day fending off drunken pandas…”

And so on. By the day’s end, there is a uneasy regret that I really should’ve done something to celebrate.

This need to celebrate comes from a number of things. First, I have a lack of friends, full stop. Second, I have a lack of friends I see on a regular basis. Third, it would just be nice for once if someone else planned my birthday instead of myself.^*

It’s hypocritical, I know. I want the day to be a normal day so I don’t have to deal with disappointment and regret but if I do nothing then I have to deal with disappointment and regret. I want my cake and I damn well want to eat it.

So for now, it’s an uneasy truce. I’ll continue to celebrate any birthdays that come my way, but I do it ironically. Oh yeah.

*Yes, a birthday was planned for me once, sort of. It was very last minute and it went catastrophically bad because that day I really, really, really didn’t want to celebrate it. I had a few arguments. The atmosphere was tense. I no longer speak to those friends. (not because of that day, but for other reasons, I think…?)

How to Sing 101 – 3 Unconventional Ideas on Singing

(Photo: epSos.de)

I’ve been working with Michael Mayer for a few months and learning how to sing is not what I expected; here are some concepts I’ve learned so far. Try them out and see how you get on!

1. Larynx awareness

Whenever we speak or sing, the sound is produced from the larynx. So it makes sense that we should also pronounce at the larynx. Michael likens this to the playing of a musical instrument. So for instance, when we play the violin, we play at the strings by bowing. We don’t bow the body of the instrument (the resonator). Similarly, because the mouth is a resonator, we should play our larynx like the way we play the violin.

To gain awareness of the larynx^[1], do a light cough or vocal fry (Elmer Fudd or Bill Clinton groggy sound). Try different forces of coughs until you get a light one that is just a click. Then click 2 times and say an “Ah!” like you’ve just understood something intriguing. Maintain your awareness at the larynx when saying “Ah!” Then try it with pitch with the same awareness e.g. a 1-2-3 scale.

2. Emotions

Singing with emotion isn’t just an interpretative, stylistic thing – it actually helps us in a physiological sense. Paraphrasing Michael, we make a true and complete vibration when the larynx is emotionally engaged. And by emotion I don’t just mean sadness or loss, but it can also mean joy, enthusiasm, or excitement. Above all, it means being definite when we sing. If we are ever blasé, apathetic, bored and try to sing in that state, it will sound crap and be physiologically crap too. The same excitement, emotion, energy when you cheer at a sports event, see your loved ones after a long trip or the shock when someone surprises you should be the types of state you are in before you try to sing anything.

3. Breathing, Breath Management and Breath Control

You may have come across many breathing exercises, such the slow hiss, inhaling and exhaling with ever increasing amount of time. These are helpful but they tend to encourage the idea of a steady release of air, which results in breathy singing. Breathy singing, though a nice sounding effect, causes a whole range of vocal problems such as irritated vocal cords, straining for high notes and lack of volume. What Michael has gotten me to do is to not let any air out whilst singing and maintain the breath pressure from inhalation, not letting anything collapse (especially the ribcage). Pronouncing with an emotional engagement at the larynx does the rest. The result is an efficient, non-breathy sound and consequently, you can hold notes for much longer too.

That’s it for now. Try it out, let me know how it goes!

Notes

[1]You may come across advice to not try to sense the larynx, and that is both correct and incorrect. This is because when things are working properly, we don’t feel the larynx but we sense that it’s there, like if you heard someone behind you, you sort of know they’re there. But trying not to be aware of the larynx is like suppressing emotions – it causes more problems than it solves.

A Bad Case of GAS (Gear Acquisition Syndrome)

I bought a new guitar the other day. I didn’t need it. But hell did I want it.

It cost me £235, not a massive sum, but large enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable. I had some buyer’s remorse afterwards, but there wasn’t much I could do about it so I just reflected on the positives.

How did I end up in this state?

I don’t quite know what the first causes were, but for some reason I’ve wanted a new guitar for a couple of months now. And what made it spiral out of control was the constant searching for well made bargain guitars. Of course, I have no idea if they are well made – I’ve just been relying on the hearsay of internet sources, rather than testing the guitars in person and relying upon my judgment. I became enamoured of guitars that I’d never played before, all with a solid wood top and great construction and all under £20!!! Well, maybe not that cheap, but you get the idea.

It all went downhill when I heard the name of Walden. I can’t remember where I discovered the brand but an Ebay search revealed a few models that were likely to be well below the RRP. Two of the auctions were finishing that day, and another in a few days time. I really wanted the latter, but I still placed a bid on one of the earlier ones. When the auctions finished, one of the models was bought for £70 (RRP around £200) and the other I was outbidded for £145 (RRP £250). This was fine with me until I discovered that the one I really wanted was taken off. I was pissed. If I was playing poker, I would be in the state of “tilting”, which means I would play with any hand. In this case, it meant I was determined to grab myself a Walden guitar (within reason, of course…).

So I bought one. For more money than I wanted to. And it wasn’t the model that I really wanted either. And I hadn’t tried out the guitar in person. Hence the buyer’s remorse.

This new guitar (that won’t make me a better guitarist, songwriter, singer or lyricist) was just another purchase that I never needed. Only one thing that I’ve bought recently has been of decent use – the mic stand. But the other things – electric guitar, bongos (haven’t been touched for weeks), amp (expensive and not that great, intended to use it for busking), melodica, guitar cable – have been of little use. Of course, I’m rationalising that all of them will be useful down the line. Maybe they will be. But most likely they won’t.

GAS has affected me throughout much of my life, though it never had a name before. Thankfully my cheapness has kept it in check. Some bad cases of GAS have included classical piano music (including the same pieces by different pianists), classical piano sheet music books (90% of my repertoire came from sheet music printed from the web), and books (I have a stack of about 10 books that I haven’t read). It also doesn’t help that I’m a completist too e.g. buying deluxe editions instead of regular editions. In any case, the end result is usually the same – a huge amount of stuff, using only a fraction of it, but not appreciating that fraction because there is so much to get through. The end result is a lot of wasted time, money, effort with little positive result. It’s hugely inefficient. Still, it hasn’t been as bad as some people.

Part of the problem is that the information gathering process is addictive. It’s a constant loop – when I find decent information, I feel good thus I go and find more decent information to feel good again. Also, during the searching my subconscious is thinking how great I’ll be once I’ve told everyone this information and removed the gauze from their clouded eyes. I can insist upon buying a solid top guitar until my eyes bleed, but in the real world, a laminated guitar still has the possibility to sound great. Of course, I don’t believe what I just wrote, such is the extent of my own brainwashing. But as can be seen so far, my purchasing decisions aren’t always rational and they can be derailed if I’m not careful, and exploited too.

Recently, I’ve been trying to curb this need with regards to guitars, despite the adverts of guitars that haunt my usual watering holes. I’ve stopped going to the classifieds, stopped searching on Ebay (there’s going to be a better deal there soon, and I’ll have even more buyer’s remorse), and stopped looking at guitar reviews. I’ve also been reading this article on want management on Raptitude for help too. It’s helped a bit, particularly by making me more aware of my constant attitude of wanting. I am pessimistic though; at some point, I’m going to have another bad case of GAS. All I can hope to do is to minimise its effects.

Khalil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

- From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Steve Pavlina’s Conscious Growth Workshop #5 – Thoughts One Month After

Me and Steve

I was going a blow by blow account of the whole journey, but that became boring to write. So instead, I’ll do a reflection upon my thoughts, feelings and results since leaving Las Vegas.

My general mood is good. Not fantastic, but better than before the workshop. Before, I used to get depressed often and easily. Exercise abated the symptoms, but it wasn’t effective at removing the root causes. (The root causes were a pessimistic and apathetic outlook, lack of momentum and lack of direction.) Now, it’s the opposite. And all of it was due to a discussion I had with my older brother before the workshop and the workshop itself.

Before I went to Vegas, my brother gave me a good bollocking, which amounted to “What the fuck are you doing with your life?” and “You’ve wasted a lot of time.” I didn’t take it well, but most of what he said was right. The discussion planted a few ideas in my head that were later to become of use: pay rent to Mum (I’m not paying it, but I’ve stopped taking my wage off her); take singing lessons (I’ve had two so far with Michael Mayer); find a job to pay for singing lessons and rent (haven’t found one yet, but have been taking steps towards it). The workshop clarified a lot of these things for me, in particular the Trans-Dimensional meditation, where I spoke to a self-actualised version of me from a different dimension. It’s been good to see that I’ve taken steps towards getting a job, rather than wallowing in stagnation. I could be more effective in this area, but it’s ok for now. My current income comes from helping my older brother at his workshop, which is good for both of us as he spends less time packing and more time welding, and I get a bit of income and momentum.

Another thing that has helped with my mood is doing social courage exercises. There’s something about not having many friends and connecting with strangers that helps reduce isolation. Plus, there’s also the kick of doing scary things. Steve would call this connecting to your heart, and it’s this connection that helps with feeling fulfilled. I haven’t written the goals down for my social life yet, but there are things floating around in my mind that makes me keep on doing the exercises.

The first thing is to find friends who are aware of their lives, where it’s heading, and where they want it to go. These friends must also be intelligent, be fun, have similar interests and love to engage in deep or interesting conversations. They must also encourage, help me and criticise me when necessary. I have too few friends anyway, a even fewer close friends. Plus, these close friends only fulfill some of the criteria. To find people to fulfill all the requirements is difficult, I know. But my life has been full of incompatible, boring, or pleasant but boring connections. It’s time to weed the apathy, the negativity, the incompatibility out of my life. Having the courage to do so, is something else.

Secondly, I would like to become comfortable in speaking to attractive women and in general relate to women in a human to human basis. The way I relate to them is inconsistent. Sometimes I still have the primary school mentality of girls being this other thing, and getting phone numbers of a girl means that I like her (stupid, I know). I also behave differently if she has a boyfriend or is physically unattractive. I can only guess at why, but there are some deep seated behaviours here that stop me from just being as I was if none of these factors were present.

These goals are vague, which isn’t great, but I just need to spend some time to refine them, and come up with some sort of gameplan to achieve them. In any case, the CGW Breakthrough Shyness Facebook group helps with having a weekly social courage exercise to do. I’ve been shit scared every time, but I’ve managed to either do them or make a decent amount of progress. I wonder what’s in store next…

Speaking of Facebook, the CGW groups have been good, sometimes great. I’ve never found Steve’s forums as somewhere to talk about my goals, desires, problems, etc. but with these groups, I feel that I can talk about anything that my friends would otherwise be uninterested in. Everyone is willing to help, offer advice, give encouragement, and there have been some fantastic nuggets of wisdom. The only problem is that it is virtual, and all of the alumni that I’ve connected with don’t live in London. Which brings me onto the next topic.

I’m starting to realise that environment is an important factor in achieving goals and improving life. Most of my personal connections have a neutral impact on my life. Yes, they may be fun, yes we might have good conversations, but I don’t think any of them have encouraged me, helped me as I would have like them to have done. Granted, I never made it clear what I wanted. Also, I never went out of my way to help or encourage them. Maybe it was our incompatibilities in certain areas that made me not want to open up to them in this way. Maybe it was because they didn’t show interest in such matters before so I didn’t bother revealing it to them. Maybe it was because I didn’t have enough courage. And yes, it appears that I’m not taking responsibility and blaming them for where my life was. But shit man, if I had one really, truly great friend that was willing to shoulder some of my burden as well as theirs, I might not have wasted a year. I might be employed. I might have better friends. I might have had a fun year. But that friend wasn’t there. And that was my fault.

I still don’t have a nuturing environment yet. Which was why, despite the highs after a week coming back, I felt the drag of the old environment in the 2nd week. The online groups have helped keep things up, but it would be silly of me to place all my eggs in that basket, as wonderful it is. I need real, flesh and blood, full bodied people as well. And they aren’t going to come running to me if I don’t commit, especially in this weather. But weird things happen when I commit. The results and mindset are poorer. Things need to be played around with more before I find the optimum solution. In any case, action is better than inaction, though applying what I know is still a bitch. However, it’s so much easier than before. Steve would say I’ve leveled up in Power a bit. I think I have.

I’m more honest these days, and try to be more honest to myself and to others. This honesty has helped with me being comfortable with the idea that I can’t be friends with everyone, and that some people are more compatible than others, even if they did go to CGW. These days, after 5 minutes of talking, I know how good the compatibility is. The incompatible, boring ones can be let go of, whereas the slightly compatible ones need more time for me to be sure.

I’m also chipping off bits and pieces of the belief that I should care what others think. The social courage helps with that, and dealing with rejection and failure better is part of that package (I’m still a super beginner at it though). Also, having the mindset of that their reaction is their problem does much to dislodge this belief. I should be more specific with this belief; it should be: “I shouldn’t care for the opinions of strangers and people I don’t respect.” This keeps the better, constructive criticism in, since others can see things that I can’t. I think I’m right all the time (I am ) when I should empty my cup more.

I’ll bring things to a close here. There were nuggets here and there that I left out (flaunting my dick in my Bruce Lee suit, guessing my life purpose, being attracted to older women, discussing the nature of reality with a pharaoh and a mohawk life coach), but that can be saved for another time. One final thing I’d like to add is that if you catch me in a state of apathy, “I don’t knowness,” inaction, cowardice, feel free to drop-kick me, throw some bear bombs and shoryuken me to get me out of the numb state that was 2010.

Shattered Beliefs – How to Stretch Properly (for Runners)

(Photo: leshoward)

With such a dramatic title, it implies that I’ve adopted some new way of viewing reality but alas, no. But I did still have a feeling of “No…I was wrong all this time?”

I went to my 2nd running class (kindly provided by the folks at Terra Plana for free) last Saturday 28th August to cement the concepts that Tony Riddle (Pose method instructor) taught me last time. The mindblowing parts weren’t just related to running, but to most physical activities, and I have to thank my fellow participants for asking the questions.

The first concerned stretching. Tony said that stretching is bad, but flexibility is good. The concept of stretching as I had, and most of us have, where one is supposed to feel the stretch and stay with that discomfort is bad for the muscles. Muscle tearing happens, as well as weakened muscles and other terrible things I can’t remember. The feeling of a stretch is actually the muscle contracting, opposite to what one is trying to achieve – to get the muscle in a relaxed state so that one can increase the range of motion. “Those who are truly flexible,” said Tony, “Don’t feel a stretch.”

The second, though less earth-shattering, were that ab crunches and situps shouldn’t be used to strengthen the abdominals, especially as a runner. This is because the above exercises shorten the abs, which is opposed to the upright posture we need when we run.

Lastly, Tony disliked static exercises, anything that requires you to hold a position for seconds or minutes. Tony said, “Muscles should always go on and off…there should be always a rhythm when you’re doing exercises.” He didn’t explain why (or I didn’t remember him explaining), but at this point I do trust him enough to know why it’s bad to hold positions.

All this ground-shaking business disturbed me though, as I didn’t have any alternatives to stretching, situps, and static exercises. Thankfully, Google came to my rescue.

The first search term I used was “Stretching Versus Flexibility.” The only information of use was an article by Dr. Romanov, the creator of the Pose method, and pretty much stated what I wrote above, but in a bit more detail. Unfortunately, he didn’t propose any examples of alternatives to stretching, probably because they’re in his products. After reading the article, I scoured through other results but appears that this “stretching vs. flexibility” issue is only a concern for a Pose teacher.

I finally came across some alternatives when I searched “is stretching bad?” It appears that the real enemy is static stretching, not stretching as a whole. Static stretching is the traditional view of stretching; target muscle to stretch, adopt appropriate pose, move body part until a stretch is felt, then hold for 20-30 seconds. Such stretching does not have the purported benefits it’s supposed to have, such as better muscle performance. Its alternative, dynamic stretching, is far superior. It warms up the muscles (because you’re moving), prepares the body for the correct co-ordination and also increases range of movement. When I searched for dynamic stretching exercises, I’d found I’d done some of them before and came across this important information a while ago, but completely forgot about it. Duh! I slapped my head. I then proceeded to try all of them.

Then I searched for “situps bad” and found that not only that they are one of the least effective exercises for the abs, but they grind the bones of your spine. I’m never doing them again. I haven’t found any proper alternatives yet, but they’re related to the alternatives to static exercises.

Tony’s comment about static exercises appealed to me because most of the core exercises I found online were static (core exercises are important because you need strong core muscles to run properly). Plank, side plank, superman, bridge, two-point bridge all require you to hold. With a little experimentation, you can make all these exercises dynamic, just by alternating the rest position with the holding position.

Other core exercises I found by accident. I noticed that one of the dynamic stretches looked like a hindu pushup. So I googled it and, lo and behold, it works the core. I also came across the hindu squat and the bridge, a very tough version of it, but it’s nice and dynamic.
Hopefully, armed with these new facts, not will I only stretch properly, keep my vertebrae intact, and have a strong core, but I shall lose the belly flab I’ve gained during these sedentary months and possibly a six-pack. We’ll see.

How to Be Injury and Depression free – Some thoughts on Barefoot Running

(Photo: dhammza)

So today (25th August) I went for my second barefoot run ever, completely unshod, no minimalist shoe in sight. And it was also immensely fun too. Though it was drizzly and slightly cold, I somehow managed the motivation and the courage to get out the house. Then at the park, came the toughest bit – taking the shoes off. If there was no-one around, this part would be easy, but running in the rain and running barefoot? That’s like two big social faux pas. But really, should I care for the opinion of people I don’t know? If they pass judgment on me then so be it; it’s not like I’m ever going to see them again. Anyway, after a little hesitation, the shoes came off and onto the grass I ran.

How did this all come about? Not only running, but barefoot running? The main catalyst has been from reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, where the greatest distance runners in the world, the Tarahumara, wear nothing more than flip-flops made from old tyres and are pretty much injury free. But even before I read Born to Run, I wanted to give running a go again to help stave off my depression. I had done some running before, but slight niggles in my right knee and left ankle scared me; sure, I wanted to reduce depression, but I didn’t want to end up with crutches for life. So I stopped. And because I wasn’t willing to shell out any money for a gym, I just did body weight exercises such as push ups and situps, but these didn’t tax my cardiovascular system enough. With no alternative, I descended into a sedentary, self-pitying, jellyfied mass.

During this time, I discovered the Vibram Five Fingers through Tim Ferriss’s blog. One thread lead to another and I came across various articles by Chris McDougall essentially saying that running shoes were crap due to their built up heel, motion control, various cushioning bits that the feet really don’t need. At this point, I really wanted a pair of FiveFingers, but I didn’t want to go through the hassle of ordering them online, since the sizing of them seemed a bit tricky. But finally, this year when I was looking for a pair of Nike Free 3.0s at Run and Become, I saw a pair of FiveFingers and bought them straightaway. So with them, I started running again.

My first experience with them was rather interesting. I went for a walk in my local park when a small dog started to bark at me and chase me. I have a slight fear of dogs which was compounded by the fear I might run too much as my ligaments weren’t strong enough after years of wearing shoes. After various dodging moves and jumps, I tried sprinting away from it. It was fun, in a weird way; there’s the exhilaration and freedom I get from sprinting, but also a fear of having my ankles bitten by a bloody dog. After this run, I remembered how much fun running could be.

When I got home though, my calves were aching very badly. I couldn’t walk properly for the next 3 days. At the time, I thought it was part of the process, having not run for a while and running in minimalist shoes. Now I know it probably wasn’t the case. More on that later.

Anyway, to fuel my addiction for all things running, I read and read til my eyes bled. I came across Barefoot Ken Bob at therunningbarefoot.com via Chris McDougall, who advocates to start barefoot first, then wear minimalist shoes. Ken Bob said that the soles of the feet are like coaches, and any minimal shoe reduces the amount of feedback they receive in order to acquire good running form. You may ask, “Why is good running form important?” Having good running form is very important to me because I was an injured runner, it seemed that bad form was the cause of my injuries. And in the case of Chris McDougall, it was the same for him too. Running shoes can distort your form, causing you to overreach and land on your heels, which is an inefficient way of running. Anywho, so on Monday 16th August I went for my first barefoot run, which was quite painful to say the least. I had a nice bruise on my heel (not too sure from where) and a nice bruise below and between the 2nd and 3rd toe, near the ball of my foot. And again, my calves were aching, but not so much. But it wasn’t until the 18th that I solved the mystery of the aching calves.

The kind folks at Terra Plana are currently holding free barefoot running classes led by Pose method running instructor Tony Riddle (no more classes at time of writing). The class I went to last Wednesday was supposed to be just a walking class, but we covered both walking and running. Tony is an imposing guy; muscles rippling, tattooed biceps, and short, curt instructions make for intense instruction. But sometimes he really can’t help himself and he cracks into a big grin. I came to the class full of preconceptions about what was correct, but Tony whittled me down. A bit. I told him about my barefoot run and he was on to it immediately: “Your calves and achilles are aching aren’t they?” He had instantly spotted my problem before I had even set a toe on the treadmill. And once I saw the footage, I wanted to slap myself in the face. Certain components of my running form were good, such as the speedy cadence, forefoot landing, but there was one glaring, vital flaw – my head was jutting forward, like trying to reach an imaginary carrot. Because of this jutting, other things were going wrong; my feet landed well in front of me instead of directly below me, and the supination (inside edges of feet facing up) was causing my feet to land sideways instead of flat, which can aggravate the achiles and overwork the calves. Like Tony said, the first thing to get right should always be posture, and mine was crap.

After many repetitions of posture drills, elasticity drills and some tough testing of our core muscles, it was back to the treadmill. I was like a new man. It felt like I was leaning back and my whole upper body felt buoyant. I felt like a ballerina! And my form was so much better. Tony said I gained an inch in height as well, which was nice.

Once the class was over, I did a couple other runs later during the week, but I couldn’t get my form quite right. It may have been because I was running in my plimsolls and my Fivefingers instead of barefoot, but I needed to get some running in without risking injury. On Monday 23rd, I went for a run in my plimsolls again, but afterwards my left ankle played up on me again. I wasn’t (and still not) entirely sure why this was, but fearing it may be due to my running form, I decided to try barefoot again. The thing with this ankle problem is that it’s not painful, but it feels as if the outside has a slightly stiff elastic band, whereas in the right ankle there’s no such sensation. Perhaps I’ll ask Tony on Saturday as to what it might be. The GP sho’ didn’t know. *ahem*

So…today. Definitely the most fun I had running. And in slightly awful conditions too. My first barefooter was marred by bruises, spiky grass and tough soil but this time the grass was glorious. It’s rained a few times since last week and it was raining today, so the grass was beautifully soft. Although Barefoot Ken Bob advises to run on more brutal terrain, I discovered that you can run for much longer on kinder terrain. My running isn’t just for running itself, but also to tame my depression, so short runs aren’t so helpful. Running on harder terrain has a higher likelihood of pebble bruising, which really sucks because you know you can run longer because everything else is working okay. Still, it’s an important part of training to run barefoot.

As you may have deduced by now, running is a fairly involved activity for me. There are so many variables you have to be aware of, so many questions you have to ask: Is my posture ok? Is my cadence too slow? Are my knees bent? Am I landing correctly? Am I lifting my feet instead of pushing off? Is my pace too fast? And when I’m trying to adjust for one variable, the other ones go out the window, so I have to adjust again, fine-tuning each bit till it hopefully comes together. Barefoot running is even more involved. You have to look out for the twigs, pebbles and dog shit and you can’t dodge them all. But after a while, things calmed down and it became really fun, particularly this one bit in the park where the roses are. It was a bit like a rectangular skateboard vert ramp (a pool, I think it’s called) which made for some interesting terrain. Plus, it was away from all the trees so there were no nasty twigs to deal with. So up and down I went, running sideways in the corners, then up and down again. A nice change from the mostly flat terrain in the park. There was a nice bit that I could do sprints on too, that was the best part. I’m nowhere near good at sprinting, but it’s so so much fun, whether I’m barefoot or not. Too bad I get knackered so quickly. I’m wasn’t sure how long I was out for, but I’m sure I passed some threshold for how much I should run given my weak joints and ligaments. It’s hard to stop when it’s this fun though.

So what about my depression then? It’s too early to say, but recently I’ve been less depressed. At one point, not too long ago, I was depressed nearly every week, the lowest point being when I woke up and started crying. When you wake up crying, it sets the tone for the rest of the day, and it’s almost impossible to pick things up again. This depression was on of the reasons that lead me to quitting my job with my brother-in-law. Though quitting the job helped, I still felt stuck in life, and the stuckness lead to depression. Now, it seems as if things are slowly picking up again. It’s as if literally moving helps my life metaphorically to move too. The wobble on my belly gives me something to focus on, and now I have a direction in life, even if it’s something as trivial as getting rid of belly flab. Then you throw into the mix that the means of getting rid of it is something that is challenging, nuanced, interesting, and fun all at the same time, depression isn’t likely to come knocking too often.

So there you have it. A long, rambling yarn that’s a little bit about injury, running, depression, obsession, and my life. Hope you enjoyed reading it and it was of some value to you.