Kenny Brooks’s Quotes and One Liners (from Kenny Brooks Saleman Comedian)

Relentless one liners. Here are most of them:

I’m gonna be quick like Nestle and Beat It like Michael Jackson that’s why your neighbours say I remind them of Nicholas Cage cos I’m gone in 60 seconds.

Who does this the most on a dirty window? The kids, the dogs that are ugly black guys who eat fried chicken.

You see these water spots? Look! They get whiter than my elbows without lotion.

Stevie Wonder said Seeing is Believing and I got a disease called Enthusiasm so I’m gonna cut straight to the mustard.

Don’t laugh too hard cos the neighbours are gonna see this black kid rubbing the window.

No waterspots, no fingerprints, no streaks – that’s why we can’t sell it to criminals. Don’t tell OJ or Tiger Woods ok?

My Mum said if it’s darker than me and don’t pay the bills it shouldn’t be there right?

This right here, We just upgrade it like Beyonce.

You know what HBO means? You get to Help a Brother Out.

I’ve been on a roll like toilet paper.

*Scrubbing the floor* you just go back and forth like an argument. Now I ain’t Jesus, but look how I did that like Moses split the Red Sea. Paint me green and call me a pickle.

That one bottle lasts longer than my last relationship.

This is my last demo, then I’m outta your hair quicker than your favourite shampoo.

Even though I’m black it ain’t black magic it just work.

Would you throw it out, shout it out, get OJ to stab it out, Mike Tyson to bite it out…(cut off by lady)

You know you can’t put bleach on colours right? Look at this *sprays bottle on face* this safe on colours.

Would you say that’s whiter than a colgate smile.

What’s the hardest thing to clean? Would it be the carpet, the tile, the barbeque grill, the shower doors, the oil that’s on the driveway that’s blacker than my mother but not as beautiful?

“What are you selling?” Personality.

*taps unopened bottle* Unlike Madonna it’s never been touched.

But whatchall do for a living? You must be in sales too, huh? I know, cos your house is bigger than my whole neighbourhood.

My mum said if you can’t get the whole chicken at least get the wing right?

But you should just save my autograph because by the time you run out you’ll probably see me on Last Comic Standing and then you gotta Ebay it to get your money back.

You sharper than Gillette.

You must be a teacher. Cos you got a lotta class.

(Referring to door handle) you see this look shiny like a baby hiney.

Remember when I told you it couldn’t fade colour? That’s why we couldn’t sell it to Michael Jackson.

Are you from around here? I’m from my mother but don’t tell my daddy he’s a

Y’all cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Dang if I had your hands, I’d cut mine off. Cos your neighbours have been working me like I’m black and paying me like a mexican.

Just trial one cos I know that ain’t gotta take the cheese outta your macaroni.

You can do cash, cheques or chicken wings.

30 Days of Song: Things I Learned From Writing a Song a Day for a Month

Hi there. I recently did a 30 day trial where I wrote at least one song a day. It was inspired by Jonathan Mann, who I discovered from an email a friend sent me. Out of the 30 days, I think I slipped up once where I wrote half a song instead of a whole one. It started out as a 7 day trial, but I decided to carry on for another week. Then after that week I decided to go for the 30. Here are some observations and things I learned from doing the trial:

• The first week was the easiest. I’d planned to write Monkey Majik-esque songs for a while, so this week was mainly made up of them. I wrote about 9 songs that week. Second week went downhill because I hadn’t planned for when I ran out of ideas, so I just mainly defaulted to slower, sadder songs. Third week I planned to write Country-style songs but that didn’t go too successfully either simply because I don’t know Country music that well. Fourth week I decided to go vague – upbeat, lively, possibly angry.

• The last song turned out to be about Doctor Who. I am surprised as you are.

• Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Some days were tough, and it would’ve helped if I’d planned what kind of direction to take. My default mode of songwriting is to strum some chords, hum a melody, find some words that fit over the melody, write lyrics and go from there. When that didn’t work, I tended to be stuck for a long time.

• Related to the above point, I found myself being quite formulaic, particularly when I was tired because a song needed to be done, and the easiest way to write one was to do what I’ve always done. As a result, all songs fell into verse-prechorus-chorus structure, used similar chord progressions and most phrases were four bars long. So the trial improved my skills of production rather than improving my songwriting (any improvements were a result of chance rather than conscious effort).

• Songs that were floating around in my consciousness occasionally came out as songs. So there’s a fake Foo Fighters song, two fake Ryan Adams songs, and goodness knows what else. These tended to be the easier ones.

• Steve Pavlina did his own 30 day trial learning music, and his blog posts and tweets boosted me during the trial. He even inspired to make my first looped based piece I’ve written. You can listen to it here.

 

I didn’t feel an immense sense of achievement when I finished the trial. I felt normal and that I could write another song the next day (which I did). However, this trial revealed my limitations so I’ve been thinking about them since (how do I change key convincingly? How do I write a song not in the verse-chorus structure? How do I write non-four bar phrases?), which is very valuable if I want to write decent songs.

As for the songs, I haven’t decided whether to publish all of them (upload to Youtube, Bandcamp, Soundcloud) or just the ones I like. The thing with doing all of them is that I have to practise all 30-odd songs to a passable standard, rather than doing fewer songs to a better standard (Jonathan Mann writes AND uploads a song a day, very impressive). Now that I’ve stopped writing a song a day, there’s this hole in my life and I feel I need to fill it up with something productive. Probably practise and upload more songs, be it original or cover.